Arise Pakistan

Arise Pakistan

Sunday, November 23, 2008
by Masood Hasan

There is absolutely no reason to feel despondent about Pakistan and where, if anywhere, is it heading. Some people have been moaning that things are simply getting from bad to worse, but help is at hand. The IMF loan is about to sail in past the now naked Oyster Rock where the great landmark of all ages, the KPT Fountain used to spray its blessings on a pollution-free Karachi. It was indeed under its life-giving spray that their royal highnesses of the Pakistan Admiralty in their crisp uniforms watched tankers run aground, oil spills gently coast in and other marine disasters unfold. Now help is at hand. Our sovereign status remains inviolable. The IMF loan ("we shall be self-reliant, my dear countrymen") is now being trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey complete with potatoes and cranberry sauce.

The reason for such optimism is in the resilience reflected in the faces and actions of the many men and women who are running Team Pakistan, although there is some concern amongst the lesser mortals about the huge number of ministers who were recently sworn in. Some say the ceremony was held at the hockey stadium since it was the only field in Islamabad large enough to accommodate so much blubber (and hockey has fled into the sunset anyway). When last reports came in, the majority of the new, recycled VIPs had vanished into thin air and were nowhere to be seen when the Assembly opened. Why it opened and what it deliberated upon is not of any significance. It is, as most Pakistanis now understand, the largest gas field known to mankind where the amount of BS generated could well make Pakistan surplus in power generation. For that we will have to ask that lump of lard, Shaukat Aziz, to come back and drink the promised bottled water with his former constituents in Attock and Tharparkar. He can then announce to a happy nation that he has solved the energy crisis. We are bereft because he is not amongst us, though his legacy lives and we are grateful for what he did for this country on the one hand while he firmly clasped Angelina Jolie's delectable hand with his other. Rejoice, Mr Aziz. Your boss is starting out on his debut lecture tour and you two could still pilot the world to a new and undiscovered galaxy. Take Chaudhry Shujaat too. No one will understand a word he'll say and that always works.

The optimism comes from things such as the mutterings of Dr Babar Awan, destined to become the new Chairman of the Senate soon. Now, here is a man who epitomises the very spirit of the new Pakistan that is surging ahead, as if on a magic chariot of blazing colours. Whilst defending the Bhuttos – no mean task, that, working hard as a wily lawyer – he was also able to collect as he went past "GO" a doctorate for a sum of money that makes the likes of Dr Sen sit up in bewilderment. This glorious event takes place, by remote control, as it were, about a decade ago. The university was so overwhelmed to grant him this doctorate – there are reports that the thesis he penned remains one of the most enlightened pieces of philosophical research and futuristic thought – that it closed down, unable to accept anyone else after experiencing greatness at such close quarters. What is more, the shrewd gentleman that he is, it cost him just about $3,000, postage included.

Mr Adnan Gill, who resides in LA on the other hand, has had the devil's own luck trying to hold on to a job and advance his learning. He writes that he held multiple jobs, worked a seven-day week and got a degree in 1994 that then cost about $5,000 per semester with eight semesters or four years for a Bachelor's degree, another four semesters for a Masters and another 3-6 years of classes, research and dissertation to earn a doctorate. But that is not the point at all. The authorities in Pakistan have declared that even if its falseness is established, a fake degree is no disqualification for holding a public office. There are no rules. On the small matter of integrity or honesty, there is silence, which is as it should be. How far can you go on those outdated beliefs? The new rays of hope come from the learned Dr Awan himself. He has declared that not only will he retain the noble prefix but he will flaunt it in your face, should you so much as give it a look. He says that he was the rightful Governor of Punjab (eat your heart out, Salmaan), but was done in and not content with being a federal minister and meeting in hockey fields, that he will contest and win the Senate Chairmanship elections. This is the new order of things that has been developing and seems to have matured quite early. And Dr Awan will win.

Of course, Dr Awan is not the only one. There are more dodgy doctorates in Pakistan than people without driving licenses. The recently edited-out PTV disaster, Dr Shahid Masood, who is now portraying himself as something of a Messiah who would have reformed PTV and made it into a centre of profit, is another dodgy public figure catapulted to heights that he could never have imagined a few years back. The sage on TV who wears designer clothes and sends out half-subliminal messages to kill the apostates is another one. And if you notice an absence of canaries in Pakistan, you can safely guess who has eaten up each one of them. Yet, he thrives on a bogus degree and even more bogus "knowledge" that the people suck up like nectar the gods are providing. There are thousands now flourishing, some coming out of the woodworks, like those friendly creatures that we all love to hate, and they are everywhere. A lady "educationist" who had to be towed by a municipality truck from the position of principal of a women's college because she refused to relinquish it, carries another dodgy doctorate and a self-conferred title of "professor," hardly ever having taught a class, and who saw nothing wrong in claiming a PhD allowance! A beacon of light with the bulb missing.

The fact, is that it is just a few who feel low. Even as the world collapses around us and thousands are laid off globally, Pakistan included. (Bless their noble hearts, the GoP is "reinstating" 6,000 who were earlier removed from their jobs. This will have no effect whatsoever on the economy like the induction of the money-guzzlers the new missing ministers. Life is humming along, as are official "umrahs." The bombs go off like clockwork, the dire warnings go out daily from the President, the Prime Minister and whoever is near a mike, to the Americans to rein in their drones (which they have, by hitting Bannu city) the economy tottering as it was and now at a standstill, the flight of people overseas where an even bigger crisis has taken hold, the reneging of all those promises made just a few months back – 582B (what's the point of writing it properly; it still means nothing) and now to welcome another smog-laden winter, there is dengue fever that is felling down people with the same speed as we fell down trees. Pakistan is marching on, slipping, falling, skidding, crashing, bumping, tripping. This is the new order and the Aston Martin I saw at the Royal Palm built might one add on another set of dodgy documents, told me that it is time to chill it. This is what it is like.